Depression: My story
Depression is a common condition of the 21st Century. Here's my own story.
Recognition
I realised there was something wrong with me at a funeral. I spent most of the service looking at the inside of my wrists and wondering how much it would hurt if I cut into them. Then, a few days later, a member of my family committed suicide and I suddenly realised I was thinking about doing the same kind of thing.
Although I had a loving family, a caring wife and a great set of friends, I felt very alone. I felt out of control of my emotions and increasingly desperate.
First steps
The first thing I did was see my GP. She was incredibly helpful and understanding, immediately signing me off work. She wanted me to rest and come back later in the week to talk about medication and other methods of help. She didn’t try and force me to start taking pills.
I would really recommend talking to your doctor. It helps that most doctors regard depression as a treatable illness, rather than an emotional problem.
Medication and other help
The way my doctor explained depression to me was very helpful. She explained how moods are affected by chemicals and hormones produced inside our bodies, which is why we often feel happy or elated after exercise, for example. If a chemical builds up in your system it makes you feel a certain emotion all the time, which explains why you can’t just ‘cheer up’ when you’re depressed.
Anti-depressants reverse the chemical build-up. They’re seriously strong drugs, so doctors only prescribe them if, in their professional opinion, people really need them.
My doctor recommended fluoxetine, also known as Prozac. It took a couple of weeks to take effect. It’s hard to describe how it works, but in my case it felt like there was an invisible barrier preventing me from sinking deeper into sadness. For the first couple of weeks I felt numb most of the time, but gradually I began to feel alive again.
Having talked to other people it seems anti-depressants have very different effects. Prozac worked for me, but I know other people who have had to try a few different pills – and some for whom none have worked.
I also received some counselling. This was quite informal with a person I trusted who was completely outside my circle of friends and work colleagues. Just having someone I could talk to, and who would be completely straight with me about things was a huge relief.
When I said I felt suicidal, he asked me a very direct question: “What about your victims?” I’d seen the way suicide in my family had devastated people I loved and so the question really hit home. I still felt like an emotional wreck, but I resolved that I would not kill myself. For me, that was a turning point.
Getting back on track
As I said, our actions release chemicals into our brains which alter our moods. I found playing squash with a couple of friends really helpful. Being quite unfit, I ended up looking like I was about to pass out, but inside I was buzzing.
I also rediscovered stamp collecting – a hobby I’d enjoyed as a child. Sorting big sacks of stamps, then putting them in the right order took hours. But because it required a lot of concentration I found it meant I wasn’t mulling over gloomy thoughts. And because it was something for my own amusement, I found it totally absorbing.
I returned to work after six weeks, although I think recovery from depression takes longer. As I started to get better I felt guilty for the worry I caused my wife and family. However, when I started to talk to them, I learned they were just glad I’d sought help when I did and hadn’t carried on in silence.
I still have blue days – emotional ups and downs are a fact of life. I keep an eye out for negative feelings and do something to counteract them if possible. I’m still on the ‘Zac, as we call it and that helps me stay in control of my feelings.
Read my depression help page for symptoms of depression, advice on how to help a friend, and places to go for help.
Written by Jon Matthias. Posted on 2nd November.
Digg it
Reddit
Delicious
Stumble It!
Furl it
