Building a Stepfamily
Stepfamilies are the fastest growing family type in the UK
They didn’t realize how dramatic the changes would be.
“We just focused on the wedding and all the other stuff was overlooked,” Keith admits. “As we had both been married before it was assumed we knew all about it! We were asked just two weeks before the wedding if we had forgiven our ex-partners. We said yes, but wondered what would have happened if we had said no!"
Balancing Act
Sally explains, “When I was married before, we were DINKYS - Double Income No Kids. My son Joshua was born after my husband left, so when I was a mother, I wasn’t a wife any more. I had five years as a working single parent, and then suddenly, I was a wife again and a stepmother to two teenage daughters while still working full time and being the biological mother to my son.”
A challenge for Sally has also been taking on teenagers who are not related to her. “They have mood swings and are very different from me,” she says. “But they gave me cards for Mothering Sunday, and when I was unwell. I really appreciated that.”
Keith feels that no matter how hard you work at it, there will always be a sense of ‘my daughters, your son’. “I have an unconditional love for my daughters which is more forgiving. But I do want to be a father figure to Joshua.”
A New Name
Keith remembers when Joshua announced, “I’m not going to call you Keith any more. I have a new name for you.” Wondering what was going to be said he continued, “I’m going to call you Dad.”
The new family has not yet built up shared memories.
“It will be a very different picture in four or five years,” says Keith. “We’re still working through the baggage - ours and the children’s. Talking with others has helped us see the positives and not to focus so much on the negatives.”
Are Stepfamilies a challenge? Yes. Are they hard work? Yes. Are they fun? Yes. Are they worthwhile? Yes.
Find out about Care for the Family's support for Stepfamilies
Written by Christine Tufnell. Posted on 7th November.
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