Surrounded by love
The loss of a child is every parent's deepest fear. How do you cope when the worst happens?
Paul and Sarah Deriaz experienced the trauma of this when their son Joshua tragically died, aged 8. This is their story.
On Comic Relief Red Nose Day 2001, our son Joshua headed off to school with buttered toast tightly clenched between his teeth and proudly sporting his red nose, looking forward to a day of fun ahead. One hour later, we were telephoned with the unbelievable news that he had a malignant tumour in the middle of his brain stem. He was terminally ill and we had no idea how long he would survive.
Joshua had been in perfect health, but he deteriorated rapidly and died just 21 days after the diagnosis. We cared for him at home where he died in our arms, surrounded by love, absolutely secure with tremendous strength of spirit.
Shattered dreams
Nothing prepared our family for this kind of tragedy. Life had been so wonderful, nurturing two fantastic children and sharing the joy of parenthood. The loss of Joshua violated everything we believed in, and yet we clung to God for strength, courage and hope to endure.
The days, weeks and months following his death were the most painful days of our lives. We were utterly bereft and yet we knew we had to carry on living for Sophie, just 15 months older than Joshua. She needed our love, attention and energies to help pull her into the future as well.
We felt so isolated and alone, and we longed to learn from others who were further along the journey. We wanted to believe that it was possible to survive the trauma of loss and to reshape our fragmented family. We felt a desperate need to talk to other bereaved parents who would understand our feelings and teach us how to live fulfilling lives again.
Learning to hope
We were introduced to a small group of bereaved parents whose children were all a similar age to Joshua when they died. We shared our stories, tears and memories and encouraged one another to move forward.
We were encouraged to place layers of representative coloured sands into a small jar, which helped us to reflect and portray memories of our child – a really positive visual aid to take away and talk about with family and friends. We also spent time remembering our children with a candle-lit service. Some parents read poems, sang songs, or brought photographs.
Each time we come away with fresh hope to live with our loss, a new idea to keep the memory of our precious child alive, and courage that we will be able to create a ‘new normal’.
Find out about Care for the Family's Bereaved Parents Network
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