Mind the gap
Sarah and Robert’s was one of the first weddings we went to after leaving college. Many commented it was a match made in Heaven. Later on, this same marriage lay in tatters.
On business
When they were first married they had so much in common. After their first child was born, Sarah continued to work part time. Robert’s work increased and he was often away on business.
Imperceptibly, a gap began to open up between them.
On a business course, Robert was introduced to Lisa. As they chatted, a spark was rekindled in him as he remembered how it used to be with Sarah. They exchanged mobile numbers and agreed to keep in touch. She phoned him agreeing to meet up to discuss a business plan. The meetings became a regular event. One day she suggested meeting at her flat…
Unmet emotional needs
A gap had opened up in the marriage and Lisa had filled it. Their story is not uncommon. The beginning of an affair generally has more to do with friendship than physical attraction.
Protecting a marriage is about ‘minding the gap’, and learning how to show love as well as meeting each other’s needs.
Failure to meet one another’s needs is more often due to ignorance than selfishness or willful refusal to put a partner first. Men and women are different! A husband’s need for sexual fulfillment is not met by his wife’s offer of intimate conversation. In the same way, her need for affection is unlikely to be met by his suggestion of an evening together at the gym.
Boundaries
Minding the gap involves putting boundaries in place to protect the relationship. Most affairs start with intimate conversation, so it may mean avoiding being alone with someone to whom we’re attracted.
Robert had the courage to end the affair and begin the slow and painful process of rebuilding trust.
Check List
- Discover an activity to enjoy together
- Talk honestly about how you feel
- Keep your sexual relationship alive
- Show appreciation and approval
- Set aside a regular time to be together
- Go on a marriage course
- Set appropriate boundaries
- Seek to understand and meet each other’s needs
Posted on 13th November.
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Furl itPosted 13.11.07
