Forgiveness - choice or feeling?

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Little everyday injuries are so trivial we hardly notice that we forgive or are forgiven.

Close-up of a plaster with the word forgiveness on it

But what happens when there is a really big hurt? It may have been a single act or the collective weight of a hundred small grievances. How can you forgive? What is forgiveness?

What forgiveness is not

  • Condoning. Forgiving does not mean you approve of what they did. Forgetting. If the offence is small, yes, you will probably forget all about it. But if it is big, you may never forget, even if you forgive.
  • Denying. For some, the pain is too great to take on board and so they deny that it happened at all, not only to others but also to themselves.
  • Pretending. You will not admit to anyone that you are hurting. The fact that you are not shouting or screaming does not mean that you are not angry.
  • Losing. The person who forgives is not necessarily the loser. Forgiving may be winning.

What forgiveness is

  • Choosing, not feeling. Forgiveness has very little to do with feelings and everything to do with choice.
  • Choosing not to dwell on the hurt. You cannot help the thought coming into your mind. But you are responsible for what you allow your mind to dwell on. The more you rehearse the hurtful words or deeds, the more indelible they become in your mind.
  • Choosing not to talk about it. If you talk about it, you think about it. If you think about it, you feel it. If you feel it, it will hurt you.
  • Choosing not to retaliate. Justice may say, “An eye for an eye” – “If you do that to me, I’ll do it to you.” Forgiveness says, “I could, but I won’t.”
  • Choosing to let it go. Some people find it particularly hard to let go of past hurt, but in the end it is a choice.
  • Choosing to go on choosing. Forgiving is not a one-off act, it is an ongoing attitude.

A final note

Forgiveness is for the forgiver as much as for the forgiven. Forgiveness brings peace and creates the attitude necessary to make a new beginning.

You have a straight choice: pain or peace. Hold on to the hurt and it corrodes everything. Let the hurt go and, though it may take time, the pain will go.

(Adapted from ‘The Highway Code for Marriage’, by Hilary and Michael Perrot.)

Posted on 13th November.

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Posted 13.11.07