Losing a partner
The thought of losing a partner is painful. Sue and Trevor share some of their experiences of living with loss.
Sue's husband, Mark, died unexpectedly. Their two daughters were four years and seventeen months.
"Mark died very suddenly," says Sue, "within 24 hours of becoming ill. The doctor called for an ambulance immediately, but even before it arrived Mark had stopped breathing in my arms. He had always been healthy. It was an overwhelming shock. I felt life had lost its meaning. The pain was crushing."
Trevor's wife, Pearl, also died without warning. He explains, "As Pearl's death was completely unexpected, we felt a sense of trauma, only later followed by grief. I had not understood this distinction, but certainly, in trauma, you feel and react differently, even unexpectedly."
Facing things alone
Sue found dealing with financial arrangements harrowing and deeply felt the sense of being on her own. "There was the realisation that the children were totally my responsibility. I would have to bring them up and make every decision concerning their future entirely on my own. I found this very daunting."
Sue also missed the 'teamwork' of marriage. "I suddenly had to cope with everything from blocked drains to car maintenance.”
Practical support
Trevor wonders whether being a man with the sole care of a child meant that people found it easier to offer practical support. “Meals, ironing and the odd pick up from school were all given generously. After a year, I took back many of the practical tasks.”
“Family, church, work and school all provided a framework to get life back into perspective. However, you also need to take time to confront your feelings and grief."
A journey
Grief is a process, a journey. Sue recognised a special affinity when "meeting others who had gone through the same trauma. It gave an enormous sense of strength.” And Sue's belief that those who share the same experience are the best travelling companions is a strong one.
For Trevor, the closest travelling companion in the healing process is his daughter Rachel. He acknowledges that there are aspects of grief that are his burden alone, and his journey is often a lonely one.
"As tempting as it is, we cannot expect others to live with our grief; they have their own lives to live. This is a painful lesson I'm learning, but essential.”
Find out about Care for the Family's support network for those who are grieving the loss of a partner.
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