Stepfamily secrets
Matthew Pugh is 26 years old. Four years ago he married Catherine and became a Step Dad of three, now all teenagers. What's the story so far?
Matt understood the complexity of the situation from the start – if their relationship didn’t work, not only would it hurt Cath, but the children would suffer another bout of rejection. The relationship was never just about the two of them. Matt even asked the kids’ permission before proposing to their mum on her 30th.
What’s in a name?
The children call Matt ‘Dad’ and call their Father by his first name. After the wedding, they wanted the kids to change their surname to Pugh, but their biological Father wouldn’t allow it. The eldest is now nearly 16, however, and plans to change his name when it becomes his legal choice.
Matt loves that the children call him ‘Dad’, as he knows it’s not just a title, but an earned title. The best bits, he says, are being their friend, having them talk to you… the general parenting experiences.
Preparing for the journey
Before getting married, Matt had no experience of step families. So four years on, what’s his advice for anyone starting a new step family?
‘Go on a marriage preparation course for Step parents. It’s the kind of thing I wish I’d done right at the beginning. Marriage in a step family is not the same as couple just starting out together. The course helps you to anticipate issues you might not think you’ll have. If you can’t get to a course, then it helps to chat with another couple in a stepfamily. If you share the experiences you’ll realise it’s not just you, other people face the same things.”
What’s your secret?
Since 25% of stepfamilies break down in the 1st year, and the majority don’t last beyond four years, I ask Matt: ‘What’s your secret?’
“I don’t know,” he says, “luck, maybe?”
“Many stepfamilies break down under financial pressure, or when the children don’t accept the step parent, or due to conflict with other family members”, says Matt. “The kids like me, and their Grandparents on their father’s side like me - they’re glad I’m making their mum happy”.
“We’re both quite easy-going people, and we don’t come down too hard on the kids, I think that helps. We’ll both sit down and play computer games with them- it’s good to spend time together as a family”.
Making it work
“Maybe what makes it work is that we appreciate the complexity of the situation – all our relationships are interconnected and it’s important to be sensitive to how my actions affect each one involved. Putting my wife first is crucial to our relationship, and reminds the children that I respect their Mother, which is important for them to see. We are also careful to make time for each other as a couple – although it’s quite rare as we have a busy lifestyle, but it’s important to just be the two of us sometimes.”
“It’s hard to say what makes it work or not – this is just my life; it’s normality. And it’s brilliant.”
Check out 'Every Step Counts- a useful guide to healthy StepFamily life' in the Care for the Family Shop.
Written by Becky Williams.
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