Wise words for new parents
Di Parsons has been a mum now for about 30 years. Looking at Life asked her to share some essential lessons she's learned along the way.
Di, you’ve been a parent now for about 30 years. And you’ve survived - well done! Thinking back, what would say were your biggest fears about becoming a new mum?
I distinctly remember being 6 months pregnant and panicking, thinking ‘I don’t think I’m ready to have kids!’ My husband’s reply was very reassuring: ‘It’s a bit late now!’
I was terrified at the thought of giving birth. But I survived, and went on to do it all again! The moment they laid my baby in my arms, everything else dissolved, and I fell in love immediately. This feeling – recognising you are and will be the parent of this little bundle who is totally dependent on you – is an exciting, anxious, awesome feeling.
If you could give just one piece of advice to a new mum, what would it be?
Accept all the help you can get, and don’t try to go it alone. I had a Caesarean section with my first baby, so I wasn’t back to full health for quite a few weeks. My sister was amazing; she was such a fantastic help at that time.
There’s a strong protective instinct in mothers. You believe, ‘No-one else can look after the baby like me’, and you try to battle through on your own. But if you have people around you, do allow them to help. If you’re a single mum, and there are people around you – family, parents, sisters, friends – allow them to hold the baby, to help, to be involved.
If you happen to have parents nearby, do accept their help. You might think ‘What if the grandma drops the baby?’ You forget that they have done this themselves!’ There’s a difference between asking for help and expecting someone to help out. Don’t expect grandparents to baby sit every time you want to go out. Remember to appreciate the people around you. You are the parent; it’s not their responsibility.
If you have a partner, it’s so important to get them involved straight away. It’s easy for a man to feel left out and insignificant at this stage. Get them to help with bathing, changing nappies, and bottle feeding if that applies. Make a point of encouraging them – tell them they’re doing a great job, even if you might have done a better job with the nappy! These things might not come naturally to them, so build up their confidence.
That’s a lot of great advice! Obviously, life as a parent is totally different to life beforehand. Any thoughts on how a couple could prepare themselves for the changes?
Having children is a huge, long-term commitment. You enter a totally different lifestyle. Even now, my kids are married or getting married, and when they come home, I’m still committed to being their mother. It’s not something you can switch off! You never stop being a parent. Often, people don’t think of these things before they take the plunge. But it’s important to consider.
Everything changes. You can’t just say ‘I fancy going to the cinema’ or ‘let’s go out for a drink tonight’. These things are more possible with babies, but when the baby becomes a toddler, it needs to have an established pattern, and it’s more difficult.
Having a child puts real pressure on a relationship, and really you need to be talking about it even when you discover you’re pregnant – what will we do if the baby just doesn’t sleep? How will we handle night feeds? How will we cope when the going gets tough? Somehow you have to get through those periods, sane and together!
To keep your relationship strong when two become three, I would say this: Be gentle with each other. Be patient. Recognise that parenting really is a full-time job, and work out between you how you can share the load.
What lessons have you learnt that you can share with parents, or those thinking about becoming parents?
- There’s no such thing as perfect parent or a perfect child.
- Don’t get caught up with designer baby gear and other competitive attitudes.
- Resist the huge competition of pressurising children from an early age to do things above their level of development – every child is different.
- Mums and Tots groups can be invaluable to mums who stay at home.
- Get some rest when you can. If possible, sleep in the day when the child sleeps.
- Children need to know they’re loved.
- Children need to be listened to – get down to their level and really give them your attention. There’s a fine line between a talkative child ruling over adult conversation and the child’s real need to be heard - try to find that fine line.
- Choose your battles with toddlers – don’t fight over everything, but win the battles that are important. Down the road there will be bigger battles.
- Have fun with your kids, laugh with them – children remember having fun more than they remember having things. When they’re older, they look back and remember fun things you did together, not the expensive parties or toys they had.
Photo courtesy of Charis Warrell.
Di Parsons spoke to Becky Williams.
Written by Di Parsons. Posted on 20th May.
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