Prepare for marriage
Katharine Hill is an author and marriage preparation facilitator. We asked her for some advice on how to give a marriage the best possible start.
How did you get involved with facilitating marriage prep?
I used to work as a family law solicitor. After seeing so many people go through the heartache of marriage breakdown, I wanted to do something positive. I see the marriage preparation course as a way of helping couples in the beginning before they hit problems in their relationship.
Why do you think it’s important?
Imagine a bath that has been overflowing. You can mop up the water on the floor but the only way to really make a difference is to turn off the taps. Lots of people are doing a great job mopping up the water, helping marriages in crisis. Marriage preparation turns off the taps on marriage breakdown. It helps couples to start dealing with issues at the source even before they arise, so that they have a good foundation to build on. So many marriages break down because people never knew what it takes to make a marriage work
A Prepare for Marriage course can help couples to discover new things about each other and themselves and learn effective ways to communicate. Couples who believe they will never row learn how to work through conflict instead of avoiding it. It’s about giving people the tools before the trouble hits. Not just avoiding difficulties, but setting out on good foundations. Why settle for an okay marriage when it could be really great?
What common misconceptions do you hear about marriage preparation?
Lots of people have never heard of marriage preparation, so it’s a completely novel idea to them. We hear loads of reasons from people why they don’t need to go on a course. Some think they’ll never argue, and say ‘our love will see us through’. Others will have been living together for years, and think they know all there is to know about each other. Some have been married before and feel they have made their mistakes and learnt from them.
But there is always more to find out about your partner. My husband and I went on a marriage course after 15 years of marriage. It made us realise how we’d been taking each other for granted, revolutionised how we learned how to connect together, and gave us some great tools for working through the ups and downs of married life. If you’re engaged, it’s so easy to focus on the wedding day and get caught up in arrangements, but it’s important to be able to take a step back and think about after the day… about the rest of your life together.
What’s the most encouraging thing you’ve seen on a Prepare for marriage course?
I would have to say, it was seeing a couple understand for the first time the effect of what they were bringing into their marriage from their different family backgrounds, and the difference it made to their relationship.
She had been raised in a family who knew how to have good arguments about politics and other controversial topics. His parents had divorced acrimoniously when he was a teenager, which had caused him to avoid confrontation at all costs, so whenever she raised her voice, he just ran from it. She was frustrated because he wouldn’t engage with her in discussions. He was feeling hurt and would retreat from her. This new understanding about their backgrounds revolutionised the way they could communicate.
What would you say is the single most important factor in a great marriage?
It’s a choice you have to make every day. Each morning you choose to agree to the vows you made. Commitment is about a decision you keep on making.
Katharine Hill talked to Looking at life's Becky Williams.
Find out more about the Prepare for marriage course.
Katharine’s book ‘Rules of Engagement’ is available in the Care for the Family shop.
Written by Katharine Hill. Posted on 17th July.
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