Marriage... the early years
Dave and Liz Percival are co-founders of the ‘2-in-2-1’ website. They also run marriage preparation courses and marriage enrichment weekends, as well as helping hundreds of couples who come to them for help in their relationship.
Looking at life asked them to share some advice for couples trying to navigate the early years of marriage.
We’ve all heard of the ‘7 year itch’. Why does it happen?
Dave : This point is inevitable, it’s going to happen. We hear this Hollywood dream of couples living happily ever after, but they don’t! They fight and get cross but that’s what life’s like!
Liz: Often it’s a sense of disappointment caused by your expectations not being met. You begin with great expectations of the wonderful relationship. Before long, the realities of life kick in and we are disappointed. At that stage couples either drift apart or they recognize what’s happening, admit to each other that life is a bit tough at the moment, and work together to come through that stage.
When would you say it happened for you?
Liz: When we had our 1st son, after we’d been married 4 or 5 years. All of a sudden I had a screaming baby, Dave was busy at work, and we had no energy for each other and only talked about trivialities. I went to talk to a friend about it, and she said, ‘Have you talked about it with Dave?’ We talked about how we were both hurting and wanting more, and found things we could do to help each other. You can’t stop challenges from coming, but it’s essential to go on communicating through these times. I had thought I was set for life with this wonderful man, but all of a sudden life wasn’t so much fun, and we weren’t even communicating.
So what can you do in that situation?
Dave: Talk! Talk in a way that gets below the surface issue. When life is busy, most conversations focus on facts or opinions. But try to understand how it feels to be the other person. Feelings are not right or wrong, but they are very important. When you can identify with your partner’s feelings, you can work together to change the things that are upsetting them, but if you don’t understand why it’s an issue, you won’t be able to move past it.
How does this advice apply in other situations in a marriage?
Dave: You need to talk about expectations. If I say I’ll be home early but I turn up at the usual time, then Liz will be disappointed, not because I am late, but because what she expected didn’t happen. Be clear about your expectations; don’t assume that your partner can read your mind! Get into the habit of talking about things in advance.
It’s also important to talk about sex as a couple. When the troubles of life hit your marriage, your sex life will also be affected. You can both be feeling tired and obligated to each other, and then you begin to be disappointed because your sex life isn’t what you had hoped it would be. It can be hard for young couples to admit to each other when sex isn’t working out how they had hoped.
Sharing your expectations is key, and not just at the start. If you have different expectations about sex, you’ll both be disappointed when they are not met. People come into a marriage with past experience, emotional baggage, and plenty of assumptions about sex. Share these with each other, and communicate your expectations, concerns and preferences. I’m not just talking about the act of love making, but the whole area of intimacy and physical touch. It’s a powerful communicator, and you need to understand what it means to each of you, and work to make it great.
Have you noticed any common bad habits in marriages that are struggling?
Dave: Negativity destroys relationships, and put-downs erode the self confidence of both parties. It’s easy to get into scoring points, to say ‘I won’t do that until he does this’ or to make a habit of putting each other down with negative comments. Another habit to avoid is always thinking the worst – you’ll end up thinking ‘but WHY is he buying me flowers?’ You can cultivate the habit of speaking kindly to each other and focusing on the positive. If you take the good things for granted but beat each other around the head with your words all the time, then your confidence goes, your desire for life goes, and your marriage will be damaged.
Any last words of advice?
Liz: Marriage is wonderful, don’t be put off! And it goes on being wonderful when you can get through the sticky patches and stay committed to each other. Love isn’t simply a feeling, it involves our feelings but love is a choice, a decision, an action. It’s so freeing that even when you don’t feel it, you can choose to respond in a loving way and love your partner anyway.
In marriage there are times when you’ll be feeling fairly miserable, perhaps dealing with things in work, but your partner may be going through an even worse time and you will need to choose to give them your love, your time and your energy. It gives you hope to come through difficult times, and when the good times come, you build up your relationship and your emotional well being so that you’re ready for whatever happens next.
Visit www.2-in-2-1.co.uk for more help and practical advice for marriage from Dave and Liz Percival.
Find out more about preparing for marriage - check out this fantastic new website: www.prepareformarriage.org.uk
Written by Becky Williams.
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