Support for bereaved siblings
Nicki Wisdom lost her brother six years ago. Having recently shared her story with Looking at Life, she's now helping other bereaved siblings on their own journeys.
How did you come into contact with Care for the Family’s Bereaved Parents Network?
About six years ago, I went to a siblings weekend run by the Bereaved Parents Network. My Mum had given me a leaflet about it. It was only six months after my brother had died, so it was difficult as everything was still very raw. But it was helpful to meet other people who were two years down the path from where I stood. I felt safe enough to share feelings that I wouldn’t express elsewhere, and it was good to know that others had felt the same.
A few months later I went on the Bereaved Parents Network family day. For the first time, I forced myself to talk with my parents about how I felt. It was good to have a set place and time set aside to talk about it, and in the long run it was very worthwhile.
How did you get more involved?
The Network asked me to facilitate siblings groups as part of a family day. The following year, so many more young adult siblings turned up who needed support. I was asked if I would be interested in running a whole weekend for siblings. It came just at the right time; I was ready to use my experiences to support others.
I can remember thinking at the time, ‘Do I really want to help people, or am I just trying to make myself feel ok?' But I meet so many people who had a trauma 10-15 years ago and are still dealing with it. If I can help people to move on and work through things, it would be fantastic.
What are your hopes for the sibling section of BPN?
I’m hoping that people will forge some lasting connections, and that they will support each other through ongoing relationships, on a level that people who haven’t shared the experience just can’t manage. When you talk about stuff and share experiences with people who have lost a brother of sister, they understand, and you get confirmation, rather than just sympathy.
What common obstacles do you think face young adults who have been bereaved?
Most of their peers won’t have had a lot of life experience; few of their friends will have suffered bereavement so explaining it to them is difficult. They still want to be going out and having fun, and not being depressing around their friends. No one wants to be the one that drags things down. One bereaved sibling told me: 'I think I often tried to bury my grief to be the happy go lucky type, especially as I was starting out in University and trying to make friends.'
How do misconceptions surrounding this issue make it more difficult?
People were constantly asking me, ‘how are your parents’? Of course I was as concerned about them, but I often thought, ‘please also ask me how I am.’ Younger adults in particular often don’t know how to deal with the situation, so they ask distance questions.
Another perception is that the older you are, the less it should affect you, especially if you’ve left home. Compassionate leave is categorized, so it boils down to ‘whose death do you get time off work for?’ People might assume that you weren’t close. But the sibling relationship varies with each person. Some are fraught, some dismissive, and sometimes siblings are really close and good friends.
What did you find helpful during that time?
Generally people gathered round to support me, although some people’s way of being with me was to talk all about it all the time and ask lots of questions, and I wasn’t ready for that. Others dropped everything and came to stay with me. They were there for me; they went with the flow and took my cue.
The most helpful thing was having the right people around me. I had some really close friends from years back, but new friends that I clicked with were great as well. Even though they hadn’t known me when he died, I appreciated their acceptance of whatever state I was in that day.
It was important to have some support on both sides – my peers and parents. For some, the best place to talk things through is with mum or dad, but for others it might mean too much heightened emotion. They might come together as a family to be together, but get their support from outside. It’s different for each member of the family.
Read Nicki's story in her own words: 'Life without my brother'
Photo by Ceris Silverwood
Written by Nicki Wisdom. Posted on 29th August.
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