Just the two of us
Maintaining alone time as a couple can be hard work when children come along.
Intimacy needs to be nurtured or it will tend to fade. You think you’ll never fall out of love or that your other half will never drive you up the wall … but it’s amazing what the presence of a baby or difficult toddler can do to change some of your perceptions.
Sharing the load
In our marriage, sleep deprivation has often made us grumpy or angry to a degree that we had never experienced before we were parents. We’ve found it helps massively to share as much of the practical work and stress as possible. That way, one doesn’t feel resentful that they are carrying the burden of parenting alone. We had an unwritten policy that went something like this: We do what we can. So if I had more energy I would go shopping or hoover up after dinner. If my husband could see that I was exhausted, he would take on these tasks without me having to ask. And if I did ask, he wouldn’t mind – because he knew that I was doing my best. So, share the tasks, share the parenting – it’s not just one person’s role. You’re in this together, forging your relationship through the stages of parenting.
Talking through the interludes
Of course there will be phases through your relationship where your quality time is limited due to a partner working away, or a sick child, or work on the house. If you have invested in your marriage through kindness, listening, and tenderness, then these events need not damage in your relationship. Admittedly there will be times when sleep becomes more sacred than sex or when the day has been so hectic that you barely want to utter a word later in the evening, but these times should only be interludes – not permanent features of your relationship.
It’s crucial to talk regularly, when you’re both feeling calm, about how things are going in your marriage or if you have any concerns or hurts. Honesty between husband and wife must be cultivated at all costs. Don’t let a whole list of thoughts and feelings pile up year after year without bringing them out into the open. Believe it or not, your spouse is not a mind-reader.
Stealing time together
If you think three’s a crowd, just imagine five! With three children, it’s kind of noisy. But it IS possible to steal some time away, if you intentionally commit to doing so. Why not turn off the TV some evenings and spend time doing something different together. Ideas we’ve tried to help us get out of the same old routine include playing table tennis, reading a book together, chatting on a rug in front of the fire, or a candlelit dinner after the kids are asleep. Once, we met up at lunch time to go rollerblading in the park.
The simple things can be great for maintaining a relationship. You wouldn’t dream of skipping a car service for several years, but many people think they can get away with not ‘servicing’ their marriage. If you don’t fight for intimacy and growth, things will go downhill. But if you invest time, energy, commitment and fun into your marriage, you will definitely see the difference.
Written by Annie Carter. Posted on 6th October.
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