Miscarriage - My story
One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage (including ectopic and molar pregnancies). No one experience is the same, but some feelings are common, such as shock, a sense of loss, anger, confusion and anxiety. Whatever your feelings, you are not alone – others will have felt much the same way. Here is one woman’s story.
Until we experienced it for ourselves I didn't understand how you can grieve for someone whom you don't know. The second miscarriage occurred during the month that the first baby should have been born and I think this one affected me the most. The hospital staff were extremely kind and gave both me and my husband space and time with this tiny baby, not yet fully formed. All our hopes and dreams for the future of this little one were now gone and he or she was no longer living inside of me, and not able to live outside of me. The staff asked if I would like to see a Minister. I replied that my husband was one and we were able to pray over this baby and give him or her back to their Maker. My biggest regret is that (under no pressure) I didn't take the baby home but signed it over to the hospital for research, hoping another family wouldn't have to go through this.
Being a Christian did not make this easier for me. I had, and still have so many questions. I kept thinking that I could have prevented it (which was not true) and I felt I was doubly grieving. People were very kind and one or two ladies came to visit and shared with me their experiences of miscarriage. I found out that there is always someone who has experienced something worse than you! And that made me feel grateful to have all that I have.
The thing I found most helpful was people offering to cook meals for us. My mind was all over the place and all I could think of to eat was toast and marmite. Remembering what I was like after the first miscarriage, my husband went out after the second one and stocked up on pizza so we were both grateful for the food left on the doorstep.
I didn't feel I needed the support of a specialist counsellor, but many women do and I would encourage anyone in the same situation to get as much help as you need. I recommend the Miscarriage Association web site. We are all different and we react differently in differing circumstances but it's vital that you don't go under. Get help if you know you need it.
I do think about the children – but it lessens as time goes on. The questions remain unanswered but I am now at peace with the fact that some things just happen and maybe I'll never know why. African women who are used to multiple births and multiple infant deaths will often tell you they have a number of children on earth and a number in heaven. Two years on I now have a re-occurring picture of two small children running happily around a big field, and I know that I'll see them when I get there.
If you’ve had a miscarriage:
- Take care of yourself. Your body and mind need time to recover.
- Don’t belittle what you’ve been through. Trying to tell yourself that ‘worse things happen’ will not help you recover from what is a traumatic experience.
- Don’t be taken aback by the strength of the anger you may feel. Part of your anger will be directed at your body for ‘letting you down’.
- If possible, find someone to talk to, possibly someone who has been through a similar experience.
- See your doctor if you feel you need to discuss attempting another pregnancy.
- Contact the Miscarriage Association for further support and advice.
The Miscarriage Association
“We know that miscarriage can be a very unhappy, frightening and lonely experience. If you have been affected by the loss of a baby in pregnancy, whether recently or long ago, we hope that you will find here support, information and comfort.” www.miscarriageassociation.org.uk
For more information and stories, read Care for the Family’s SupportNet.
Written by Fiona Michael. Posted on 6th October.
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