My special middle child
Lianne Wayman has three children: Ethan, six, Seth, four, and Lilia, two. As are many other parents when their children start school for the first time, Lianne was concerned about Seth. Seth has problems with social communication, though his learning difficulties haven’t yet been given a label. Lianne spoke to Looking at Life about her special middle child.
How is Seth different from your other children?
There’s no clear cut answer to that question. So far I’ve been told he has a language disorder and some social communication issues. It’s possible that he is on the autistic spectrum. In some ways it’s nice not to have a label, but if we knew what we were dealing with, it might help us to help Seth.
He’s getting quite good at talking, but can’t talk about emotions - he couldn’t tell me how his day at school has been. His teachers and the SENCO (Special Educational Needs Coordinator) have expressed concern, and I’ll be meeting with them soon. He was turned down for statementing in Nursery but hopefully now he’s in school he’ll get more help. I’d love for him to have one-on-one support.
When did you first notice that he had additional needs?
It wasn’t until Seth’s eighteen-month check up that they noticed he wasn’t meeting developmental standards. When he saw a speech therapist a year later, the ball started rolling. Life becomes a series of appointments, and there’s a constant desperation to find the right person to help my child. At three, he was allocated a fantastic special needs health visitor, who has applied for things he’s entitled to, referred him on to others, and been a great listening ear. It’s been a difficult few years, but it’s important to say that I love him more because of everything, and not despite everything.
Do you feel you have had access to support?
I’ve been fortunate that within my group of friends at church, there are three other families that have children with additional needs. Most of them are further along the line, so it helps me keep perspective. Seth has hope for his future; he’s got lots going for him. There’s a lot of support available, but unless you pester, nothing happens. Some of my friends are in much tougher situations, but they know the system and they can encourage me to keep going.
Many parents find it hard work to take their child out, they aren’t often accepted. So along with some friends, I’ve set up a coffee morning once a month and a special needs toddlers group once a week, which the educational transition worker always comes along to. It’s great to meet other people on the same rollercoaster ride, even if it’s different for each of you.
What advice would you offer to parents in a similar situation?
Education and Health structures vary from place to place, but find out what is available to you locally and take advantage of it. Fight for the things you are entitled to.
If you have other children, try not to put pressure on yourselves as a family. We’ve found it’s best to split up for activities – my husband will take Seth swimming while I do something with the others. Spending time together in the garden works well, as does going on a walk where he can run off but it’s safe, it takes the pressure off him to conform to outside expectations.
It’s best not to try and do things on your own. Get help wherever you can. If you have a child with additional needs, you may be interested in Care for the Family's initiative ‘Another Way’, which can help you find someone to talk to who understands your situation. It’s good to have people around you who can empathise, who can validate your feelings, someone to chat or cry with when things seem bleak.
But also, appreciate the people you have around you, even if they have no concept of your struggles; good friends who will look after your other children when you need it are of great value.
Written by Lianne Wayman.
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