Through a Dad's eyes
Matt and Beverley Grylls have four children. He became a father at twenty-two, within the first year of being married. Matt spoke to Looking at Life about the effect that becoming parents had on their relationship.
How did your relationship change when your wife became pregnant?
We were totally unprepared for the emotions that come with pregnancy. We had no idea how much it would mess with the hormones. We ended up finding the first year was a nightmare, and we did find things pretty hard, lots of arguments!. None of our peers had had children before, so there was no-one we could turn to for advice. Our families don’t often discuss personal issues, so we didn’t feel we could raise concerns. We felt we should be able to cope on our own. Ideally we should have sought the advice of other couples. We were young; we thought we could do it alone; we had lessons to learn the hard way.
So you were frazzled by the time the baby came along!
Yes we were. People say your lives are turned upside down when you become parents, but after the pregnancy it was as if life returned to normal! My wife was a nanny so she knew about caring for kids, but still we didn’t feel very prepared.
Our first child, Stephanie, was an awful sleeper. She would wake at 1am and cry and scream till 6 am, and that would last for months. We were looking after the baby in shifts so we could have a good block of 4/5 hours sleep in a night each. You have to sacrifice evenings together for the first few weeks, but things get easier, you learn how to cope. After a long sleepless night when the baby that you created smiles back at you in the morning, it makes everything ok. They are instantly forgivable!
Now you have four children. What lessons have you learnt along the way?
We’ve never been a reclusive couple and our attitude is that our children should fit in around our lives. Socially, things didn’t change that much with the first baby, we took her everywhere with us. It helps them get use to social situations, the noises etc.
Over the years we learned to get the baby sleeping in their own room within 6-8weeks, because we’ve realised that we disturbed the baby as much as it disturbed us. That’s been really important with number four, and three other children needing attention!
What have you found helpful as a couple to keep your relationship strong?
We’ve found ways of stealing time together. It’s crucial. We don’t need to go out, but we established principles within our family to allow us to have time together. These days, the kids’ bedtime is really important.
It really helps to recognise when the most tired moments will be. With a young baby, Beverley would feel tired and therefore more emotional in the early evening, so I would try to come home from work early or bring flowers home, to alleviate the pressure of the evening.
As a man, I had to learn that it’s not about me. Often, men struggle to bond with the baby, and adapt to the change in their relationship. For a while it’s not about me, and everything I do has to be to make my wife and baby comfortable. Keep it in balance and realise things have to change, but not forever. After a few months, you realise the baby doesn’t need as much attention, and you’re both coping better with it all.
Read I'm pregnant! Now what? for a new mum's perspective
Written by Matt Grylls.
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