Guilt - a common affliction
Recently we’ve being asking parents in their 20s and 30s about the pressures they face that aren’t often discussed. Many of them mentioned the strong emotions that parents often feel, such as frustration, desperation, and guilt. We asked experienced Mum, Di Parsons, to share her thoughts on this.
Do you think these feelings of guilt are common to many parents?
Yes, I’m sure they are. I know that often Motherhood and guilt go hand in hand. Many Mothers feel guilty if they work outside of the home or if they don’t. They can feel guilty when they leave their children with a grandparent or a friend for an hour - how many of us find ourselves soon afterwards standing in a toy shop, choosing a present to ease the guilt. I think for a mother, guilt is attached to the umbilical cord!
I’m sure lots of new Fathers have fears too; perhaps the fear of not doing the right thing or not being a good enough Dad, perhaps they feel that Mums are more adept than they could be at changing nappies and bathing. Fathers might feel that they shouldn’t get involved and sometimes may feel they are not allowed to. Perhaps they find it difficult to bond with the baby. All these issues can make them feel guilty.
How did you experience this in your own life?
From the start, I felt guilty that I wasn’t going to be a good enough mother, not as good as the mother in the bed next to me at the hospital. But even now that my children are grown, each day is still a learning curve. Unlike an electrical appliance, children don’t come with rules and instructions attached. Each one is different and will have different patterns of behaviour.
As a toddler, Katie, my eldest, had a terrible cross patch early each evening. It was before Rob would get home from work, it seemed my daughter was trying to rule the roost and I felt guilty that I didn’t have it all under control. Lloyd was different; he was far more demanding as a toddler. You want everyone to like your kids, and I wanted people to see them as perfect children. I put this pressure on myself, and when I would visit friends I was on tenterhooks all the time. I felt guilty if they misbehaved or had a tantrum - but believe me all children do. You are not a failure - and you are definitely not alone. We all have to come to terms with these feelings, with these standards we struggle to live up to, but no one tells you that. Sometimes you don’t know how to deal with the situations you find yourself in, you might think you’re not doing it right, but they are all learning curves.
If guilt is so common, why does nobody talk about it?
People do feel guilty and often find it difficult to talk to others because we think we’re the only ones, it’s just us. We think we should be able to manage, like everyone else seems to. But we need to realise that we are normal, that all parents share these feelings. It maybe a good idea to talk with someone who is older, who has been through it, and can help. Mothers and toddlers groups can be a good place to share.
It’s also good for the couple to sit down and talk about these things together, so they can both say how they feel, and try to understand each other’s feelings. The basic fear that we are bad parents comes with a lot of guilt attached, and it’s good to talk about it, to realise we are normal parents struggling with normal issues, and let the guilt go.
Read more of Di Parsons’ thoughts on parenting here.
Written by Di Parsons.
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