Male bonding?
What do men look for in friendship? Kev Kennedy takes a look at why a man’s mates may be the people he talks to least… unless there’s a dire need.
I count myself very lucky to have some close friends. So when I was asked what I thought was important for men when it comes to friendship, I thought about the guys I’m close with and began to ponder why. I came up with three main observations…
A real friend accepts you (without telling you they’re accepting you)
I like the friends I can just sit and watch TV with. I think this is a difference between how men and women assess friendships. Stereotypically, a woman’s friends are the people she talks to most – about life, love, work, sex, celebs, babies, stress, cars (yes, women do talk about cars), shoes and so on.
But my best mates are the ones I don’t have to talk to. Yes, I can if I need to. But what I’m looking for in a friend is someone who is happy to offer me the one thing I don’t often get – silent acceptance.
Acceptance without talking seems to mystify many women. But what needs to be said? The fact that people create room for you tells you everything you need to know.
A real friend collaborates
I partner with one good friend on various freelance projects. It’s taken a while but now when we work, we fly. When we get to work, things just come together. For me, our collaborative friendship works is because we’re honest and willing to let each other pick holes in our precious ideas and concepts.
When you collaborate you need to know the person you are bouncing ideas off is only going to bounce the good ones back. I don’t want to work with people who will tell me I’m brilliant when I’m not, because they don’t want to hurt my feelings. I want someone to tell me what sucks about my work - because only by eliminating the suckage can I make it truly great.
Real friends believe you can achieve greatness – and won’t let you rest until you do. Real friends care enough to risk hurting you to help you grow.
A friend will help you move. A real friend will help you move a body…
Not that I’m planning to perpetuate a crime, but with some friends, our friendship is such that we trust the other one has a good reason for what they do. I don’t need to know why. I know my friend and I have faith in his decision-making process. That last-minute cancellation doesn’t need justifying – if he cancels, I know it’s because something major and unexpected has come up. If he quits his job, I don’t need to question him – he will have a good reason.
Yes, occasionally there will be times when we challenge each other. But that helps cement our underlying mutual trust. We challenge out of concern for the other’s wellbeing – are they doing the right thing for them? And that concern for their good proves our allegiance, our loyalty, and our reliability when discretion is needed.
Silent acceptance, honesty, trust, faith, loyalty – they’re all words you’d expect in an article on friendship. But they are also words that cut both ways – you can’t expect loyalty if you’re disloyal; you can’t trust a person who turns out to be untrustworthy. The real value in your most valuable friendships is not in the relationship, but in the way the relationship changes you. When you become a friend you become a better person too.
Written by Kev Kennedy. Posted on 19th March.
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