Life as a New Dad
Chris Coffey became a dad for the first time a few months ago. Looking at Life asked him what it’s like to be a new father.
How did your expectations compare to the reality of becoming a dad?
It’s been challenging, and I’m very tired, but I expected that. I’m lucky because I’ve got friends who have recently been through it, I read all the right books, and I tend to prepare myself for the worst! I‘ve got a friend who is finding it difficult to adjust to being a dad because he hadn’t really cleared his diary. He wasn’t expecting to put his social life on hold, he still expected to go the gym and meet up with his friends in the pub.
How has life changed?
You can’t have a conversation with people about anything other than baby-related stuff. I spoke to my brother for 2 hours on the phone about sterilisation techniques and the benefits of bio-degradable nappies. He’s also a new dad. I’m sure I’m boring everyone, but it won’t be like this forever, it’s just because it’s new. I would find it very hard if I was the first amongst my peers to go through this, with everyone watching you. I’m 31 now and I still feel really young to be having a kid, but maybe everyone feels like that.
I was allowed to take two weeks paternity and two weeks annual leave together. That month was really worthwhile for both of us. In a way I felt lucky to go back to work, because I get to break up the routine with adult company, I get to use my brain. But at the moment work is just something I have to do; my mind is more on home life.
How has it affected your relationship?
People say that having a baby is one of the major strains on a relationship. It’s been our biggest challenge so far. When the baby comes along everything goes on hold and your needs take a lower priority. I’m glad that we had time together as a couple over many years before this happened. You store up reserves in your relationship. These days we don’t have time to resolve every argument and discuss at length every issue, but we know each other so well, so the unspoken stuff just makes all the difference.
You work out how you can support each other; you’ve got to find some middle ground. I made a habit of reassuring Emma all the time, telling her she was doing a great job, but it annoyed her because it sounded like it came out of a book. Sometimes she just needs a hug, or some practical support. I don’t think there’s a secret to it – maybe it’s a series of little secrets. It’s important that she knows I see her not just as a mum but still as a partner and a woman.
It’s really important to carve out some time to be together, you’ve just got to find a way of making it work. It used to be just two of us and a bump, the baby was pretty portable. Suddenly the next day there’s three of you, and everything changes. But it’s all good. I really envy people who have family who live nearby. We’ve both started to appreciate our own parents more in the last 2 months.
Do you feel comfortable in your new role as Dad?
I felt daunted at first, inadequate. My wife is so confident with her, and gradually I’ve become confident myself. It’s been really helpful having time on my own with the baby, going for long walks just the two of us. The relationship with mum is different than with dad. Emma can calm her quicker than I can, but it’s just practice.
I really think that perceptions towards fathers have changed. There used to be this idea that in the first few years the Dad would bring home the bacon and not have much to do with the baby, but now people expect you to be fully involved. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I do pit-stop speed nappy changes; I can do everything except breastfeeding!
Do you feel different?
Life is different but you’re still the same person. You feel much more responsible, every decision feels different because there’s extra responsibility. I genuinely understand what people mean when they say that all they want for their kids is to be happy, to have friends, to have good experiences in life (though it would be a bonus if she becomes a famous brain surgeon so I can retire early). She’s starting to laugh now; you can really see her personality coming through. It’s really exciting.
Chris Coffey was interviewed by Becky Matyus for Looking at Life.
Written by Chris Coffey. Posted on 18th June.
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