Going the distance
Is your relationship ready for the long haul?
How can we know if our current relationship is meant to last?
It’s difficult to know when dating stops and something more serious begins. Sometimes, one grows naturally into the other. At others, the ifs and buts of whether we should commit to a long-term relationship produce an agonising stalemate.
Perhaps asking ourselves a few honest questions could help.
Do you both want the same things?
If it’s going to last you both need to have roughly the same idea of what life together will look like. If one of you wants to work away from home all week, but the other wants you home each evening, it’s difficult to see how you could make it work. If you want an exclusive relationship, but your partner prefers to play the field, then things are likely to end painfully.
Without a commitment to a similar life style and boundaries it’s difficult to imagine a long-term relationship working. If you know what kind of relationship you’re looking for, you’ll need to make sure the other person wants it too.
Do you allow each other freedom to grow?
It’s also worth asking whether you feel you can grow in your current relationship. To put it another way, how much hope do you have that this relationship will help you develop as a person?
A long-term relationship is not like climbing into a box. Both of you will develop as people, and you need to be prepared to keep pace with one another. Good relationships, marriages included, are made rather than found.
Do you feel safe together?
You also need to be able to trust your partner. If they arouse your suspicion with too many secrets, or frequent lying, or disappearing without contact, you’d probably be wise not to give them your life (or your heart) until you know exactly what’s going on. If they are physically violent or intimidating, or make sexual demands that you’re unable to refuse, or control your life through jealousy, then you should ask yourself whether you really want to play these dangerous games for the rest of your life.
Getting to know someone deeply is bound to throw up many surprises. It requires a vulnerability and openness that only exist in an atmosphere of trust. Remember: you’re forming a relationship, not joining a regime. Trust is non-negotiable.
Are you allowed to ask questions?
Doubt is also an important part of a healthy relationship. If the question is: how can I know for certain that this is the right relationship for me? The answer is: you can’t.
The Hollywood image of romance suggests that we should know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we’ve found the one for us. But that’s not reality. When it comes to the biggest decisions of our life, we had better walk into them with our eyes open and all our critical faculties intact. We may fear that there’s something wrong if we doubt the soundness of our relationship. But there’s actually something right in having the room to query what we have - it gives us a chance to improve it.
So, if you’re wondering whether the time has come to go long-term, it’s worth keeping some of these thoughts in mind. If your relationship is generally good, but you still have a few doubts about it - don’t worry. It sounds like you’re in a good position to make a wise decision.
Roger is a Clinical Psychologist and Senior Lecturer of Psychology at the University of Lincoln.
Thinking about the future? Why not read Hollywood vs. Real Life
Written by Roger Bretherton. Posted on 24th June.
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