Parenting: Tough but worth it
Having kids is tough, but worth it.
That’s the conclusion of psychological research on the joys and pains of parenting. But it wasn’t an easy conclusion to reach.
Sometimes it’s hard to be a parent
In the 1980s, researchers compared couples who had kids with couples who’d chosen to remain childless. They found that those with kids were measurably less happy than those without. Apparently, having children made people unhappy.
At the time, everyone thought that must be wrong. Everyone knows that having kids is the most delightful experience of life. But since then, research has shown again and again that it’s true: having kids makes people unhappy.
Of course, it depends how you measure happiness. If happiness is just a subjective sense of well-being, then it’s no surprise that the hard work of raising children doesn’t always leave parenting couples with the same excess energy and zest as their childless counterparts.
The Parenthood Paradox
But a mystery still remained. If it really is true that having kids reduces our happiness, why do people generally say the opposite?
Attempts to answer this question only made the confusion worse. True, couples in the early years of childcare were less happy than before. But couples with adult children said it was the most fulfilling thing they had ever done. Sometimes the same couple even said different things at different times. While raising their kids, they said they found it hard and occasionally even regretted becoming parents at all. But twenty years later, when interviewed again, the same couples said having kids was the most fulfilling experience in their lives, and that they never had any regrets.
This was dubbed ’the parenthood paradox’. Raising kids is emotionally taxing, but people still claim it’s the most wonderful thing they’ve ever done. How can this contradiction be explained?
It would appear that, while the early days of parenthood are not always easy, being a parent itself is ultimately fulfilling. The learning curve may be steep at times, but it’s deeply rewarding to see it through to completion. When parents look back and say they haven’t any regrets, they don’t mean they never found it hard, they just mean that the earlier difficulties don’t look quite as imposing as they did at the time. As they watch their kids go off into the world, find jobs, get married, and have children of their own, the significance of what they’ve accomplished far outweighs the difficulties along the way.
Pointers for Potential Parents
So what does this mean for people who are thinking of starting a family? Or for those who already have small children? What does it mean for you and me?
1. Don’t worry. If you find the early days of parenthood tough at times, that’s just the way it is. If your first few years of being a mum or dad aren’t quite the perpetual harmony you expected- that’s normal. You haven’t done anything wrong if you sometimes find it hard.
2. Stay in the ‘Now’. Don’t let the pressures of parenting deprive you of its prizes. Day by day, hour by hour, there is joy, delight and hilarity to be found in raising children. Don’t miss it among all the tiredness and busyness. The precious early years with our kids can never be repeated. Don’t miss out on the fun while waiting for it to get easier.
3. Keep an eye on the future. It will get easier. You will sleep again. The joys and pains of the early years don’t last forever. They move on to be replaced by other challenges. Whether you’re dealing with dirty nappies, terrible twos, or argumentative adolescents, it’s worth keeping the end in view. You’re training your kids for the life ahead of them and, if you succeed in doing so, it’ll all be worth it.
For more advice on being a parent, why not have a look at "Wise words for new parents"?
Written by Roger Bretherton. Posted on 26th August.
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