Stop comparing yourself!

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If I could only give one important piece of psychological advice it would be:
DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE ELSE.
Catch yourself doing it. Stop it immediately. It only leads to trouble.

Resist the Temptation to Compare

We often compare ourselves to other people as a way of judging how we’re doing. Are we good looking enough? Have we achieved enough? Are we popular enough? Are we influential enough? The list of possible comparisons is endless. If we feel we’re doing slightly better than the people around us, we feel reassured that we’re okay. That’s why we do it – we hope to come off quite well in the comparison.

Unfortunately any esteem we gain in comparing ourselves to other people is fundamentally insecure. There’s always a bigger fish; always a better looking group; always a more successful person. The high we get through favourable comparison is short-lived, and ties us to the low that arrives when someone beats us at our own game. Even when we come off well, rating ourselves against other people stores up trouble for the future.

(Definitely) Avoid Comparing Your Body

Nowhere is this more true than when we compare our bodies with other people. Traditionally this has been more of a problem for women, but increasingly it’s becoming a problem for men too. At its most basic level it’s an attempt to keep up with the trends, to look as good as possible, and be admired or accepted by our peers. It’s still not a great idea to hang our self-worth on mascara performance, or hours spent in the gym, but for many people, the distress caused by this kind of comparison is relatively minor.

But when body-comparison gets linked to self-hatred, the misery involved enters a different league. For some people, one part of their body gets the blame for all their problems. They start to think that if their nose wasn’t so big, their legs not so short, their ears not so protruding, or whatever, then everything would be okay.

For those who can afford it, this can lead to extensive cosmetic surgery, which almost never delivers the lasting self-acceptance or confidence they hoped for. Other people get stuck in a deadlock, attributing much of their distress to a part of their body they can’t change. Very often this part of the body gains exaggerated proportions in their mind. They think of it as bigger (or smaller), fatter (or thinner), and generally more noticeable than it really is. We all do this to a certain extent, but in its extreme form, it’s called Body Dysmorphic Disorder, and requires appropriate professional assistance.

Stop Now, Before it’s Too Late!

In less extreme cases of body comparison though, the following may help:

• Make a decision to stop comparing yourself with other people (positively or negatively). Just remind yourself that comparison of any kind does you no good.

• Learn to love your body. Choose to do body-positive activities. Pamper yourself with a warm bath and scented candles, go swimming, fly a kite, have a duvet day – do whatever it takes to tell your body that you love it.

• Act against your shame. Look in the mirror and decide to accept what you see. If you rely on clothes and/or make-up; go out with a little less make-up than usual, or wear slightly informal clothes to a formal event. Keep doing it until you no longer feel ashamed.

These steps might appear to be simple, but it can be difficult to change the way you think. Breaking the habit of comparing yourself with others might take some effort, but it’s so important. It will do wonders for your self-esteem, and might even change the way you relate to others. So, when you next catch yourself doing it… stop.

Written by Roger Bretherton.

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