In sickness and in health
Most of us are familiar with the phrase ‘in sickness and in health’. You’ve probably heard it at weddings.
Rob Parsons makes an interesting point about marriage vows. He says there’s an edge to them – we agree to love each other whatever happens. ‘What, even if I’m sick? Even if I’m poor? Even “for worse”?’ And we say ‘Yes’ to each other, perhaps without thinking ‘what if they are sick?’
I have seen both sides of that promise – both as the person caring, and the person needing to be cared for. In our case, it was more than just nursing each other through a bout of ‘flu. My wife has a number of ongoing illnesses, but a few years ago she needed to care for me as I swung through a dark period of depression (You can read more about that here)
But if illness is a fact of life, here are a few things that may help you get through.
Express your frustration – the right way!
It can be easy, when you’ve just had another inconclusive trip to the hospital, or you’ve had to miss out on a special event because your partner is too unwell to travel, to feel frustrated. In fact, that’s perfectly natural.
But the important thing is to be frustrated the right way and about the right thing. They already feel bad (probably) and if they sense you’re upset with them it will make them feel even worse.
But you can express your frustration with the illness. You can tell them how you wish they weren’t ill, because you love them and you want them to be enjoying life to the full. You can talk about how their illness makes you feel – but remember it’s the illness that you wish was gone for good, not them!
Maintain your self-identity
When your partner is ill, you can end up only ever answering questions about them, and people neglect to ask how you’re doing yourself.
It helps to have friends who you can talk to about how you feel – especially if you’re fed up with the situation. Don’t feel bad about wanting to talk about yourself and your feelings – it’s something we all need to do, so try to find someone you can talk to about you. Remember you are more than just wife/husband of a sick person.
Remember you’re their spouse, not their carer
There are two reasons I advise this. Firstly, being a ‘permanent carer’ almost killed me because I ended up suicidal (that’s not hyperbole; it did happen). Secondly, a carer-patient relationship is not an equal relationship. One party makes demands and the other has to meet them.
A relationship like that can quickly become a source of resentment to the ‘healthy’ partner who can begin to view their spouse as a burden. Caring becomes a chore, not an expression of love.
You may need to look after your partner on a day-to-day basis for a short time. For example, I have a good friend who lovingly nursed her husband for eight months while he battled with cancer.
But when the situation has no clear end in sight, and the illness is a chronic condition, taking on that responsibility will significantly alter your relationship. Try to get professional help, and encourage them to talk to their GP and other medical experts about their health problems, as well as to you.
Of course, if you love someone, you will want to do all you can for them. But – and this is important – you shouldn’t feel guilty about all the things you can’t do for them. We all have limits, because after all, we’re human.
Love can grow stronger, even through times of illness. There will be things to make you laugh, and often things that make you want to cry in frustration. The vow we make to love ‘in sickness or in health’ reminds us that we will love through both the good times and the bad – and that’s the true test of love, really. That’s when you really know whether you have what it takes to live up to your promises.
If you are a carer, or looking after someone who is close to you the following organisations may be able to offer you help and support. The Princess Royal Trust for Carers ; Directgov . (Looking at Life is not responsible for the content of external websites.)
Written by Jon Matthias.
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