More than 'fine'
How much do you tell your friends?
‘How are you?’
‘Fine, thanks, and you?’
‘Yeah, not bad.’
I hear that exchange countless times every day. It’s very British, isn’t it? Sometimes we’re busy; sometimes we leave it at ‘fine’ because we’re not prepared to go into detail. After all, you wouldn’t get anything done if you had in-depth conversations with everyone you meet.
Where do you draw the line?
In all our conversations, we put up barriers to some extent. It’s as if we draw an invisible line between what is acceptable and unacceptable, and then use every diversionary tactic we know to make sure we don’t go beyond that point.
Take this as an example: you’re having a chat with a friend at work. They ask about your partner’s work situation, and you say that he’s not getting as many shifts as you’d like, but you’re hoping the situation will improve. This level of interest is fine. But what if they push a little and say: ‘How is he coping with being out of work? Are you finding it a strain on your relationship?’ You might change the subject quickly by using one of the following phrases:
‘We’ll get through it… how’s your other half?’, or
‘He’s doing fine… gosh, hasn’t it got colder lately?’, or
‘Look… an eagle!’
The benefits
The trouble is, if we don’t let our friends in on the things that really matter in our lives, we miss out. A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say. And it’s not just in the difficult times that we need to give our friends the inside track. When things are great, why not say it? Don’t keep it to yourself – let people celebrate with you. If you love the book you’re reading, say it, and then say why. Let them in on what makes you tick, what inspires you, why you relate to the character, or how much you love a thriller. Share life. It’s more fun that way.
Making friends
Let’s turn this around… how do you get to know your friends better? I don’t mean your close friends. I’d assume you already do this kind of thing with them. But how do you go from being a colleague to a friend, or a friend to a really good friend? Part of it comes from sharing yourself – if you draw that invisible line lower down, the chances are they will too. If you want to know if you have interests in common, it helps to tell them about your own first. But another way to get to know someone better is… ask them. Push against that line a little bit. Take a deep breath, and ask a question that means something. You never know what you might discover.
Life in 3D
When do you feel most alive? You might say that work is work, and your real life is at home with your family. Or maybe you feel like you can only really be yourself with those close friends who you’ve known for years. But that means that you’re only really living and only really being yourself in limited situations. The rest of the time, you’re living life in 2D. If we restrict most of our relationships to surface level conversation and keep our friends at a distance, we’re missing out. But if we tune in and decide to be genuinely interested in the people around us, if we take the plunge and share what really matters, we’ll find ourselves connecting with real life in 3D and glorious Technicolor... the way it was meant to be.
Written by Becky Matyus.
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