Relating to mum and dad as a grown up
One of the most difficult transitions we make in our late teens and early twenties is relating to our parents as adult children.
On the one hand we will always be their kids – and that doesn’t change as you get older. My mum always tells me very earnestly to “Drive carefully!” even though my boy racer days are well and truly behind me.
But on the other hand, we’re grown ups too now, and we need to take responsibility for our own lives. I’ve talked to enough parents of adult children to know how exasperated they feel having to sort out their kids’ problems. One dad I worked with recently told me: “I just wish my lad would learn how to insure his own car instead of me having to do it for him.” His lad is 29!
So how can we reach a place where the relationship is adult-to-adult, rather than a parent being over-protective or a kid being over-dependent? Well, there are some things we can all do to make the transition easier.
Set boundaries
While anyone’s parents may be slightly over-protective, there is a danger that we can sit back and let them fight our battles for us. A former work colleague was ‘investigated’ for an alleged minor incident at work – a complaint from a customer that needed to be looked into. No one anticipated this guy’s mum turning up the day afterwards and tearing a strip off the general manager.
While the outcome of the investigation was that no further action was taken, the outcome of his mum turning up was one of mortifying embarrassment. The ridicule from his colleagues eventually led to him quitting the job.
Setting boundaries can be as simple as saying: “Mum, it’s my problem, I’m going to fix it.” There are certain aspects of your life that are no longer your parents’ responsibility – and while it may be hard for them to accept that, you may have to insist on it. Yes, you will want their advice, but whether you take it or not is your decision.
Invest in your relationship with them
Growing up doesn’t mean you necessarily have to grow apart. In fact, it may mean that you can share new interests that cause you to grow nearer together. But as with any relationship, you have to make the effort to do that.
My dad rediscovered a passion for model trains in his retirement. He invited me to help him build a model railway in my old bedroom. It wouldn’t be my first choice for how to spend a Saturday afternoon, but those Saturday afternoons are valuable times together. We chat about life alongside important issues like how many trucks would appear in an authentic-looking branch line goods train.
Recently I went with him to his model railway club. As I was introduced to some of the oldest people I have ever met in my life, I realised that in a strange way dad was showing me off. I felt like a minor celebrity, shaking hands and fielding questions and I realised that he was proud of the fact that he was the only guy there with an adult child who was interested in model railways. It was then that I realised how much Dad appreciated me taking the effort to spend time with him.
Get ready for the ‘care transition’
There are things that our parents may need us for. I had to explain – at length – to my Dad that the spam emails from his bank were from fraudsters and that there would be no point in printing them out and taking them into his local branch to complain. You know that things have changed when you become the source of advice and help.
I have also had some experience of having to care for my parents already. When my mum had serious surgery, I went ‘home’ and looked after my Dad while she was in hospital.
Given the rising life expectancy, just about all of us in our 20s and 30s will end up caring for our parents at some point. That’s why we need to learn to relate to them now – it will make life so much easier in the years to come.
Written by Kev Kennedy. Posted on 20th October.
Digg it
Reddit
Delicious
Stumble It!
Furl it
