It's not rocket science
Duncan Fisher is founder and director of Family Info, supplying information for parents through maternity and children’s services. He lives in Wales with his wife and two daughters – Miriam 13 and Abigail 9 – and works from home as much as possible. He was awarded an OBE “for services to children” this year. He also set up the website www.dad.info.
What is www.dad.info, and why did you set it up?
www.dad.info is an information service specifically for fathers. It’s about providing information to parents, and communication with fathers is part of the art of communicating with couples. Family Info’s other projects focus on helping couples to hold it together in the first few years. I’ve just written a book on the subject, which will be out in March. What dads do depends on what mums do, and vice versa. It’s a family dynamic, and both partners need to be given information and support in a way they want.
Do you think enough is being done to support dads in their role? If not, what would you like to see?
Penalising part-time work with lower pay is a major cultural problem and we need to tackle it. The leave entitlements need to be overhauled; they send the wrong message. Limiting paternity leave to two weeks poorly paid compared to 39 weeks for mums is social engineering, and everyone thinks it’s bonkers.
Family and children’s services still need to be better at engaging with fathers in providing information and support. They also need to centre on supporting the couple, because every issue is influenced so much by how well the couple is working together. Men don’t get plugged into the networks that mums are a part of through antenatal classes and ‘mums and tots’ groups. A lot of men don’t feel comfortable in these environments, and when they try to move into the networks – which many do after a year or so when they take over more of the childcare – the friendships have already been formed.
You went part-time to look after your children. How did people respond to that?
As a man, it’s worth walking around town with a little baby, just for the reactions. I’ve had some silly comments: one lady asked me how old my daughter is, and then when I replied she asked if I was sure! People help you get off the bus, which is novel, but nice. One old lady at the checkout told me, ‘it’s so nice to see you here with a little child; in my day that wasn’t possible.’ If you compare life now to the 1950s, it’s quite different. There are more opportunities for men to be involved in family life. It’s getting more normal.
What would you say are your priorities in your life at this moment in time?
I want to make sure that I’m there enough for my children, not just giving them time, but also head space. I want to be available. I strive for that and hardly ever succeed, but it’s my aspiration. I want to be fair to my wife, because everything I do impacts on her. In my work, well, I just want to be successful. I need to earn enough. These aspirations are pretty universal – I’m not that different from most other people in the things that I want.
What advice would you give to new mums and dads?
Think about trying to find a way for dad to spend a significant period of time with a small child or baby looking after them alone. How do you both feel about that idea? Do have any reservations? Talk it through. It’s a great question to ask. As a dad, I really appreciated spending time with my baby daughters. It helped me to roll up my sleeves and get on with it, even though I was afraid I would make a pig’s ear of things. It can be hard for mum to let go and let dad get on with things alone. But humans are fantastic at adapting to new situations. Dads have been born with all the instincts, so have confidence. It’s not rocket science, get hold of all the information you can, and you’ll learn quickly.
Try to find time to do the things you loved to do as a couple before you had the kids. You might feel bad for spending time alone together because the children come first, but you two being happy right now is good for them, let alone you staying together for ages. It’s really not selfish to want to get on with each other.
If you start sharing tasks, things get more complicated, because you will do things differently. It doesn’t make you argue less, but it makes you closer. Be careful not to use gender stereotypes. If you think you can’t do something because you’re a man, it can be depressing as you think you can’t change it. But there are a multitude of reasons why, as individuals, we respond differently in different circumstances. And we can always learn, and change, and work it out.
You can find a whole host of useful information for dads on www.dad.info
Duncan Fisher spoke to Becky Matyus for Looking at Life.
Written by Duncan Fisher. Posted on 26th November.
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