The magic of traditions
Rob Parsons shares what he’s learnt about the importance of family traditions in his new book The Sixty Minute Family.
“We always…”
Over the years I’ve had the opportunity of talking with thousands of individuals about their childhood, and time and again those who spoke of strong families also spoke of traditions. Whether these families were rich or poor, lived in the country or the inner city, were headed by a mother or a father or a single parent, there response was often the same. When I asked them to tell me what made the memories of their family life sweet, sooner or later they’d start a sentence with “We always…”
The traditions people have shared with me have been many and varied. They are often to do with special days of the year. One family said that they always light candles on Christmas Eve and watch It’s a Wonderful Life. Another family always go out for a walk in a busy park on Boxing Day, and as people come towards them they try to guess what presents they are wearing! One family sings “Auld Lang Syne” holding hands together in the street outside their home on New Year’s Eve and then has a curry afterwards, sharing hopes and dreams for the year ahead around the table.
Of course sometimes those telling me their stories realized that the memories they were telling me were simples ones – even a little embarrassing. But once they got the confidence to talk to me, then no matter how old they were, the traditions came tumbling out. One very sophisticated lawyer told me that she remembered having the following conversation with her father every evening when she was small:
“Daddy, can I sit on your lap?”
“No. Only little girls with brown eyes can sit on my lap”
“I’ve got brown eyes!”
“Well, only little girls with brown eyes and black hair can sit on my lap.”
“Daddy, I’ve got brown eyes and black hair!”
“Well only little girls with brown eyes, black hair and pink shoes can sit on my lap…”
…and finally a small child with brown eyes, black hair, pink shoes and some nights a dozen other attributes, would climb on to her father’s knee. And when she was old she still remembered it.
A sense of connectedness
A family acts as a bulwark to the storms of life outside. It should be a place of training, security and safety, but it also has another vital function. It gives us a sense of belonging – of roots; it helps us know our place in the world – perhaps, even, the universe.
Traditions are part of this, and whether they belong to the national culture – like setting fireworks on 5 November in the UK, cooking turkey on Thanksgiving Day in the USA – or simply having fish and chips on a Saturday night, they create what someone one called “a sense of connectedness”.
Having this “sense of connectedness” is harder today. We’re not only more isolated from neighbours and extended family outside the home, but from each other inside it. It’s quite likely that on any given evening five members of a family will be scattered throughout the house playing different computer games, watching different television programmes, or listening to different music. The older our children, the harder it is to do anything about this, but that needn’t stop us trying.
…Of course it’s not just children for whom traditions are important. They can help cement a marriage – whether it’s having a weekend lie-in listening to Steve Wright’s Sunday Love Songs on the radio (“Chance would be a fine thing!” say the couple with toddlers), getting away over an anniversary weekend, using silly phrases that mean a lot to the couple but nothing to anybody else, candles on a Saturday night, swapping resolutions on New Year’s Eve, or simply never going to sleep without a kiss.
Traditions are powerful. If you don’t believe me then talk to any adult you know who had a happy family life. Ask them to tell you what made it special and pretty soon they’ll say, “We always..”
Extract used with permission from 'The Sixty Minute Family' by Rob Parsons (Lion). Available from the Care for the Family online shop from February 2010.
Written by Rob Parsons. Posted on 18th January.
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