Seeing Red
Anger itself is not a problem, but it can become one, when it rages out of control.
A friend of mine recently attended an anger management group run by the NHS. He’s a nice guy, but everyone knows he has a temper. When it starts brewing most of his friends try to stay clear. The wake-up call came when, after a couple of drinks, he argued with his girlfriend and nearly hit her. He loved her, and knew that if he didn’t do something about his outbursts, the relationship wouldn’t last. When he spoke to his GP about it, anger management was the first thing he recommended.
Colours of Anger
Some psychologists would say there are two kinds of anger: red anger and white anger.
• Red anger is the appropriate human response to unfairness or frustration. It is a contact emotion. It aims to clarify, to re-establish relationship and tells people how we would prefer to be treated. It attempts to improve the world around us. If I put my hand over your mouth and tried to stop you breathing, this is the kind of anger that would make you fight me off.
• White anger, on the other hand, is more like rage. It’s destructive and often ineffective, and occurs when we feel helpless and don’t know what else to do. It is a sign that we’ve given up hope of changing things for the better. This kind of anger can appear excessive and becomes a significant issue if accompanied by violence. In men, it may be a symptom of depression.
What happens when we get angry?
Anger is a response of the whole person. It includes how we think, what we feel and what we do.
• Thoughts: We become angry when we perceive something as being frustrating or unfair. Many of the thoughts that accompany anger concern the perceived injustice of the situation in which we find ourselves: the way other people spoke or acted towards us.
• Feelings: Anger is also a physical response. Our heart rate increases, our muscles (fists, jaw, eyebrows) tense ready for action, our face flushes, our back straightens. Sometimes we shake, narrow our eyes, or grind our teeth.
• Actions: Some angry behaviours, like raising our voice or repeating our point in an argument, can be functional ways of expressing our boundaries. Others, such as physical violence or verbal insults, potentially harm other people.
Control of Anger
People who struggle to manage their anger often act aggressively before they’ve even noticed their temper flaring or had time to think about it. They only start thinking afterwards, and by then it’s usually too late. The damage has been done and they may regret it. If that keeps happening to you, you may like to think through some of the following:
1. Notice the signs that you are getting angry. Keep a look out for the clenched fists, the flushing of the face, the increased heart rate. These are the warning signs that you may be about to explode.
2. Pause for a few moments. The old advice to count to ten before getting angry hasn’t gone out of date. If you can notice your anger building, then you may like to take a moment to get out of the situation and calm down.
3. Learn a variety of skills for getting what you want. If you resort to anger because you don’t know what else to do, it may help to assert yourself and negotiate. As long as you have other options, you may not need to get mad.
4. Start to channel anger productively. The most advanced anger management strategy is being able to get angry and think at the same time. While extreme anger stops us thinking, channelled anger can be a passionate way of cutting through deadlock and insisting on fairness.
The point is that anger can be a great force for good, when exercised with skill, and combined with respect for other people. Learning to express anger appropriately is a vital part of learning to live with energy and passion.
Written by Roger Bretherton.
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