Tackling those sticky subjects
Is there an issue you want to discuss with your other half, but you just don’t know how to bring it up?
Broaching a sticky subject is always difficult. I think it’s harder when it’s with someone you love, and hardest of all when you’re talking to your partner. Since communication is one of the most effective tools we have to keep our relationships strong and healthy, you’re right to want to talk about it. But the way you start the conversation will have a big impact on whether you are met with a dark stare, a big fight, or a thoughtful discussion in response. So how can you successfully tackle the issue?
Choose your moment
It’s important that you pick your time wisely. If you want to get the best possible response, don’t bring it up when either of you are tired, hungry, rushed, stressed, or in public. (It really narrows down your options, doesn’t it?) Crucially, don’t broach a difficult subject in the heat of the moment. It’s easy to use a situation as a springboard to bring up a related issue, but it usually ends in an argument. It can seem contrived to tackle a subject ‘out of the blue’, but you will both be in a much better position to look at it subjectively if your emotions are not running wild.
Stay away from accusatory comments
Be mindful of how you use the word ‘you’. Avoid phrases like ‘you said’, ‘you always’, ‘you never’, ‘why can’t you just’, etc. These phrases will provoke a defensive response. Talk about the way the situation makes you feel, to help your partner understand why you want things to change. And remember to stick to the subject. If you cross the line from discussing a situation to making value judgements about the person themselves, you’re already in a fight.
Frame it carefully
Set up your question so that there is no way it could be taken as an attack. You want to get your partner on board with a discussion, not backed into a corner in defence mode. If it’s an issue you want to resolve, then really you’re asking for help, and that’s a great way to start a conversation. I tried this once with my other half:
My husband is very even-tempered, but like everyone, he sometimes gets into a mood. I feel like I’m treading on eggshells, and I don’t know whether to give him a hug, coax him into talking to me, tell him to snap out of it, or leave him alone for a couple of hours. I’ve tried asking, ‘is there anything I can do to help?’ but all I got was a grunt in response.
However, the other day I came home from work in a grump. I was tired, work had been difficult and the traffic was awful. My other half was brilliant. He gave me a hug, listened to me and made me a cuppa. My mood changed completely. The next day I decided to use this situation to broach the issue:
‘When I came home in a mood yesterday, you did everything right. You hugged me, gave me time, listened to me and brought me tea. Thank you; it was just what I needed. When you’re in a mood, what can I do to make things better? Would you want me to do the same to you, or would you like me to leave you alone, or something else?’
It made such a difference to bring it up when neither of us were grumpy, and he was able to use the example to imagine himself in the position and see what he would need from me.
You don’t always get an opportunity like that, but if there’s some issue niggling away, the best thing to do is think about the response you’re aiming to get and choose your words carefully, then take the plunge and talk about it. You can always just say:
‘I’d really like to talk about this issue with you, but I’m not sure how.’
It’s a good start.
Written by Becky Matyus. Posted on 25th February.
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