Your relationship... plus one
When you are pregnant you put a lot of thought and research into how you’re going to be as a parent. What will you do about breastfeeding? Will you let them watch TV or sleep in your bed? There’s so much to think about, and plenty of advice available to aid your decisions. But you’re less prompted to think about what you’ll be like as a partner in your relationship, about your role as parents in a team.
If you’re in a relationship, this is crucial. I think that the relationship stuff isn’t talked about enough; we need to hear more wisdom about being a couple as parents.
Time for ourselves
A few years ago, my husband and I went on a marriage course and found the guidance helpful. But we were a little bemused when people talked about the importance of setting time aside to spend together. At that time, our whole lives were about spending time together; we did loads of stuff together and hung out all the time. We concluded that perhaps other couples’ relationships were different. But when we had a child together, we suddenly realised why they insisted on the importance of making time for your marriage.
Looking after a baby as well as going to work, cooking, washing and supermarket shopping leaves you with precious little time and energy. These days we totally understand the need to make space for our own relationship. Even when we do manage to find time together, we have to work at focusing on our relationship, rather than on our baby. If we go out to eat, we have a rule: we are allowed 20 minutes to talk about our daughter, but after that we have to talk about other stuff… about ourselves.
The ultimate test
For many couples, having your first baby is the biggest pressure you will face. You forgo your social life, lots of sleep, free time, hobbies, exercise time, etc. Being a parent is the ultimate test of your friendship. You need each other more than ever and you need to be patient more than ever. But there’s nothing more rewarding than thinking, ‘Wow, we made this little thing and we’re a family’. Yes, you will have arguments and get stressed out with each other, but you can do it together as a team.
Seeing the best in each other
You get to see another side to your partner when you share parenting – their nurturing side. You really notice how much they care and the ways in which they are patient and loving and sacrificial, being prepared to get up every night and not complain. Watching your partner look after your little one, you see some of their best qualities. So when you notice, make the most of the moment and encourage each other. If your partner gives you reasons to think about how much you love them, make sure you say it instead of just thinking it!
If you’re in a relationship, it’s worth really working hard and investing in each other. When you’re tired and stressed, this stuff can take practise – but it’s worth it. As parents and as a couple, why not try committing to these ideas:
• Praise each other
• Say sorry
• Go easy on each other
• Forgive each other quickly
• Be prepared to work through differences
• Make time for each other
For more on relationships as a new parent, why not read Netmums on Relationships?
Photo by Joseph Hoban
Written by Emma Coffey.
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