Learn to argue well
Every relationship will eventually experience an argument.
It could be a disagreement over something trivial, or a deeply-held belief. But, however important, or not, learning how to argue effectively is vital – not so that you get your own way all the time, but so that your relationship survives the disagreement and you reach a point where you actually get on better than before.
Attack the problem, not the person
This is probably the most important point. It is so tempting to widen the scope of fire from the one thing in front of you to everything that annoys you about a person.
Here’s how it goes: One minute you’re trying to decide what DVD to watch, the next you’re shouting how selfish and pig-headed they are. What happened? Well, the focus moved away from the DVD to perceived character flaws.
But also previously unspoken issues were dragged into the mix. It’s perfectly possible to have an argument over one thing, only to find that you end up arguing over something else entirely. What this shows is that there are several issues to resolve – but you can only really do one at a time. Park the other ones and deal with them later.
Talk about yourself and how you feel
This is probably the second most important point and is the major cause of disagreements escalating into rows. It ties in closely with attacking the problem, not the person.
Focus on how the problem makes you feel and express that to the person you are arguing with. For example:
“I really hate being late for things and if you take ages getting ready, that makes me feel stressed.”
This is much better than:
“Why do you always take so long getting ready? You’re so annoying.”
Avoid absolutes
This seems fairly obvious, but it’s harder to put into practice than you think. It is just so easy to start saying sentences that start with ‘You always…’ or ‘You never…’
The problem is that absolute statements are rarely always true. Even the most disorganised person will be ready on time at least once in their lifetime. Even the most inconsiderate person will remember one birthday.
Launching an ‘absolute’ into an argument raises the antagonism level. It puts people on the defensive. It also takes the focus off the issue at hand and is a criticism of the person.
Agree a time to disagree
One piece of advice often given to couples is to not start difficult conversations after 10pm. This is because a difficult conversation can easily lead to an argument, particularly if you’re tired.
A way round this is to say: “Look, I know you’re really angry about this right now, but can we discuss it in the morning?”
Setting a time means you can ‘park’ the disagreement to be resolved later. This gives you both time to decide what your point is, calm down a bit, and even reconsider whether you want to have the argument in the first place.
Move on
The most important part of arguing is finishing the argument and moving on. You may have agreed a compromise that you’re not entirely happy with (who is happy with a compromise?). But you’ve agreed it and you need to move on.
Bringing issues back up is just going to start another argument. Of course, sometimes a solution is so unsatisfactory you may need to revisit it. But generally, once you’re done arguing, you should stay done arguing. Moving on involves acceptance, forgiveness and willpower. So it can be tough, but it’s still necessary.
Grow stronger
One positive thing about an argument is that you learn about the other person. You learn more than just their opinion: You learn how they think, what they feel, how they react, and how they cope with pressure. Frighteningly, they also learn that about you – which is why you need to argue effectively!
But if you can learn to argue well, you will grow. You will learn to make compromises, find solutions, and above all how to agree to disagree. In the long-run you will grow closer together and your relationship will grow stronger.
Written by Kev Kennedy.
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