Understanding grief
Joy Jones is a bereavement counsellor. She also co-leads ‘A Different Journey’ – Care for the Family’s network for those who have been widowed at a young age. She spoke to Looking at Life about grief.
What is your own experience of grief?
My husband died suddenly when I was 30. Many people who experience a sudden bereavement find that their emotions take a while to catch up; it appears that the bereavement isn’t affecting them. I kept going on autopilot and people remarked on how well I was doing, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t feeling; I was just carrying on. I had a full time job and I didn’t feel I had an option, but at some point I had to face the feelings. Six months later, my cat died, and I totally fell apart. My friends were confused because they had already begun to move on. But it was then that I needed them most.
Does everybody go through the same stages of grief?
Grieving is unique to everyone. There are certain common denominators through the process, but not everyone grieves in the same way. It’s easy to look at the different stages as a series of tick boxes and think, ‘I’ve passed that stage’, but grief is cyclical. Someone may have felt angry and worked through it, and then out of the blue they might find themselves angry again. Others can put pressure on you to move on, but you need to be kind to yourself and give yourself time. Grief is not an illness, it’s a part of life, and everybody experiences it at some point or many points. The more you understand of it, the less scary it becomes.
What is normal for the grieving process?
In the early stages many people are in denial, and that’s normal while their emotions try to make sense of it. Numbness is normal; feeling like a zombie. People usually suffer loss of concentration, they can’t stick at anything, and they might think they are losing it but it’s actually very common. When the inevitable happens, and the numbness wears off, people can often feel angry, guilty or both.
Anger and guilt are major issues to deal with. Many people are affected by ‘survivor’s guilt’, whether they were the passenger in a car crash, or the partner that didn’t fall ill. Even though the outcome could never have been different, people can blame themselves. But you have to forgive yourself. Often the anger comes out of a sense of hopelessness that they can’t change the situation. They can be angry with themselves that they didn’t spot it coming. People are often angry with God, or a higher power, for allowing it to happen. It might be surprising to hear that many bereaved people can feel angry with their loved one for leaving them. All of this is acceptable, and anger that’s verbalised and explored is healthy. Anger that’s bottled up is not, because it will erupt somewhere along the line. Admitting anger helps to take the power out of it.
When does grief turn into depression?
Part of grief is depression but it’s a reactive depression; it’s caused by the situation. In this case there’s probably no need for treatment, because why wouldn’t they be sad? It’s not something to be feared. However, if someone remains depressed for a long time and is unable to function, they might need to visit their GP. It’s normal to have sleepless nights; but if they are not sleeping at all, they need some medical help. Many people wouldn’t think of seeing their GP but sometimes they need to. Asking for help shows strength and not weakness, because it shows you want to get better.
Who can people turn to for support?
Often, those closest to the bereavement take the longest time to come to terms with it, and when they do, they find that their support has backed off. It's important to pluck up the courage to ask for help, because we tend to be so good at pretending that we’re coping, we can fool our friends into thinking we don’t need their help. Friends and family can be a vital source of support. However, since people don’t like to see a friend in distress, they can unhelpfully encourage them not to think about it or talk about it. But it is so important that they do, even if only with a couple of people who they can talk openly with about their feelings and the whirlwind of emotions they face.
Even with the best of friends, it’s unusual for someone to feel free enough to admit all of their thoughts and emotions, particularly if they both knew the person who has died. Sometimes it’s necessary to talk to someone who is completely outside of the situation. Talking it out with a bereavement counsellor can be very useful. Half a dozen sessions provides the space to say all the un-sayable things. After all, ‘that which cannot be put into words cannot be put to rest’, and working through grief will help them to adjust and eventually cope with life without their loved one.
If you have been affected by bereavement, you might find some helpful information in the following websites:
Other bereavement support organisations
This information is supplied in good faith, but Care for the Family cannot accept responsibility for any advice or recommendations made by other organisations or resources.
Written by Joy Jones.
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